Jack Chick sez: Time was running out for Ashley. Drugs would soon kill her. But a praying grandmother made the difference.
Wow, this one is all over the place. Jack Chick usually had a specific target in mind when he sat down to commit his insanity to paper. But in Bewitched, he basically just lobbed handfuls of batshit at the wall to see if anything would stick.
Jack Chick sez: They started as a “Christian” rock group, and became slaves to rock. But Tom found that Jesus could set him free!
Jack Chick despises rock music, what with all the dancing and drug orgies and hippies it causes. However, he has a particularly strident hate on for Christian rock because it’s all a part of Satan’s labyrinthine scheme to brainwash America’s churchgoing youth and turn them into dancing, drug-orgying hippies. In the tract Angels?, he delivers a brutally realistic portrait of a struggling Christian rock band that is forced to make some difficult compromises and choices on the path to Stryper/NewSong megastardom!
Jack Chick sez: Everything you have said or done will be played back at judgment. Will your name be in the Book of Life?
After the utter bugfuckery of Somebody Loves Me, Lisa, and… well, just about every other tract I’ve reviewed on this site, This Was Your Life! comes off as a bit quaint. The protagonist still gets his sinning ass tossed into Hell, but for once it’s not because he’s gay or believes in science. Chick claims that the poor man’s eternal damnation stems from his rejection of Christ as his savior. However, I think we can all see this man’s greatest sin was being a colossal douche.
Jack Chick sez: Beaten and alone, a child dies. But Jesus cares.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Ecclesiastical Snuff Tracts, where Jack Chick demonstrates the love of Christ by brutally murdering a child. The child in question is an adorable little waif who bears an eerie resemblance to Liza Minnelli.
Jack Chick sez: Pornography triggers sexual perversion.
This shameful tract is no longer in print, and isn’t even available on the Chick Publications website. However, it is included in the book Hot Topics, in which Chick and the equally insane David W. Daniels tackle six of the “hottest issues of our times,” most of which seem to involve different permutations of gay people and child molestation. And Dungeons & Dragons for some reason.
Jack Chick sez: “I’m not afraid of you… because Jesus loves me!” The simple Gospel for young children.
Boring. No druids. No witches. No black mass and cat sacrifice. And not a single murdered child to be seen. Come on, Jack! Where’s your Halloween spirit?
The Little Ghost tells an incredibly gripping and exciting story about a couple of little kids who dress up in costumes and try to scare their friend. She tells them she’s not scared because Jesus loves her. Amazingly, her two friends have never heard of Jesus, so she tells them how He died for our sins and made the devil angry. Her friends are moved by her compelling and totally plausible narrative, and they invite Jesus into their hearts. The end. Seriously.
Jack Chick sez: Protect children against being recruited as Muslims. Li’l Susy explains that only Jesus can save them.
Last up in Jack Chick’s Prepubescent Hate Parade is The Little Bride. This time, Li’l Susy vents her spleen (which is presumably filled with Christ’s love) at the Islamic faith.
If the emails I receive from my grandfather are any indication, Muslims now hold the number one spot on the Fundamentalist Christian Threatdown. In case you’re wondering, that spot was previously held by same-sex marriage, Barack Obama, science, and Madalyn Murray O’Hair, who apparently rose from the dead to get Touched by an Angel canceled. But I digress…
Jack Chick sez: At a very young age, schoolchildren are being told that homosexuality is okay. Here is God’s view, carefully written for young readers.
I honestly don’t believe that *all* Christians are homophobes, or vice versa. I’m just saying that there’s a lot of overlap in that particular Venn diagram. Christianity and homophobia simply go well together, like beer and pizza. Or Glenn Beck fans and flammable lawn crosses.
Jack Chick sez: A young man goofs when he is talked out of receiving Jesus as Saviour.
The year was 1976. Our nation was celebrating its Bicentennial. Jimmy Carter was running for president, The Captain and Tennille were tearing up the airwaves, and a young Ron “Horshack” Palillo had just taught us how to laugh again.
I was a young, naive third-grader, full of hopes and dreams (most of which involved Lynda Carter). Little did I realize that my youthful optimism and childlike faith in God would soon be shattered by an innocuous little comic book tract entitled Somebody Goofed.
Jack Chick sez: See what happened to the dinosaurs, and what will happen to you if you reject Jesus!
Here’s the problem.
I’ve only reviewed eight of Jack Chick’s tracts, and I’m already out of synonyms for “batshit crazy.” And now that I’ve run across a tract that could have only come from a truly broken mind, I find I have no words to describe it. It appears I shot my hyperbole wad just a little early.
There is a persistent rumor that Chick suffered a stroke in 1996, which would certainly explain the utter bugfuckery of his later works. Case in point: There Go the Dinosaurs.
Jack Chick sez: In this children’s book, Li’l Susy tells her friend, Buffy, how Halloween got started, and how everyone must choose between Jesus and Satan.
After the misguided morality play of Happy Halloween and the ill-advised treacle of The Little Princess, Jack Chick once again leaps headfirst into the swirling abyss of Halloween insanity with The Devil’s Night. And since the protagonist of this piece is none other than Li’l Susy Barnes, you know we’re in for some vintage Chick madness.
Evolution is a thorny subject for many Christians, one that has effectively divided the faith into two groups: those who believe science is a vast godless conspiracy designed to undermine the teachings of the Bible, and those who have actually read a book. Jack Chick definitely pledges his allegiance to the former and, in his tract Apes, Lies, and Ms. Henn, attempts to blow the lid off of the satanic liberal science agenda.
Ah, Li’l Susy Barnes. Never was there a more appropriate mouthpiece for Jack Chick’s insanity than this cute little moppet.
There’s no doubt that when Chick first conceived of Li’l Susy, he envisioned her as an innocent child — guileless yet wise beyond her years — who had yet to be corrupted by the wicked liberal world. But it turns out that Chick’s militant messages of intolerance are even more jarring when being delivered by a smiling, rosy-cheeked little girl. So in a way, Li’l Susy is just like a Chick tract — adorable and childlike on the surface, but full of batshit crazy and hate on the inside.
Jack Chick sez: Heidi is terribly sick. But when she gets saved on Halloween night, her whole family finds Christ too. An emotional story with a happy ending.
Every once in a while, Jack Chick gets a little meta and gives us a Chick tract that tells the story of somebody reading a Chick tract. Whoa. Is that lumpy, gray paint on your walls, or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND? It may seem a tad indulgent, but it’s that kind of self-promotion that helped Mr. Chick turn his funnybook ministry into a hate-spewing empire.
For his next Halloween tale, Jack Chick takes a break from the usual conspiracy of witches and druids. Instead, he offers up a parable to demonstrate that God, not good works, will get you into Heaven. Jack is obsessed with this particular trope, and is apparently convinced that Hell is full of good people, while Heaven is packed with dickweeds who skated through the Pearly Gates on a technicality.
I’m not sure what any of this has to do with Halloween. But, hey. Whatever.
Jack Chick sez: This takeoff on horror films reveals the truth about Halloween.
Next up in Jack Chick’s Parade of Halloween Insanity is Boo! And I’ll say this for Mr. Chick… once he decides he’s going to lead someone to the Lord, he’s not afraid to use stacks of dead teenagers to do it.
Like the much touted “War on Christmas,” Jack Chick believes that the true meaning of Halloween has been lost amidst all the secular hijinks and commercialism. You see, when kids put on those Batman costumes and wander from house to house asking for candy, they are actually reenacting an ancient ritual where druids used to put on Batman costumes and wander from house to house asking for children and virgins.
Jack Chick sez: Shows Halloween’s origin and real purpose.
Jack Chick hates a lot of things. But for some reason, the topic of Halloween really seems to get up his ass with cleats on. Our man Jack has devoted several of his Chick tracts to exposing Halloween as a vast Satanic conspiracy concocted by druids and pagans to sacrifice small children and boost the sales of tiny Snickers bars.
Jack Chick sez: Debbie thought playing Dungeons and Dragons was fun… until it destroyed her friend.
Once upon a time, teenagers were well-behaved models of decorum and restraint, content to spend their weekends tending to the lawn, bathing the elderly, and roasting weenies on the beach. But for some reason, in the 1950s, these idyllic American family values were kicked squarely in the nuts. Teenagers began acting crazy! Oh, at first it was just the occasional leather jacket or insolent cry of “Aaaaaay.” But before too long, those damn kids were smoking, drinking, dancing, and groping each other in parking lots. Then drugs were invented in the 1960s, and things just got worse!
Jack Chick's Funnybook Gospel 