Here’s the problem.
I’ve only reviewed eight of Jack Chick’s tracts, and I’m already out of synonyms for “batshit crazy.” And now that I’ve run across a tract that could have only come from a truly broken mind, I find I have no words to describe it. It appears I shot my hyperbole wad just a little early.
There is a persistent rumor that Chick suffered a stroke in 1996, which would certainly explain the utter bugfuckery of his later works. Case in point: There Go the Dinosaurs.
In this tract, Chick blows the lid off the liberal science agenda and reveals, once and for all, what really happened to the dinosaurs. Hilariously, he even attempts to attribute his theories to the Bible by citing totally unrelated (and somewhat random) verses throughout. Honestly, it’s like looking at a psychotic break committed to paper.
We open with a whimsical prologue, in which an oddly effeminate “dragon” is being chased by spear-toting hillbillies. Seriously. I’m not making this up.
The dragon, which actually resembles a brontosaurus with long, fluttering eyelashes, lumbers up a mountain, obviously out of shape as she gasps for air. She tries to hide herself in a convenient cloud, but the prehistoric rednecks prove too wily for her. Haw!
Later that evening, as the modern stone-age families are feasting on “yummy dino-burgers,” a hideously deformed monkey boy asks his grandfather why dragons are so hard to find. “They’re a dying breed,” Grandpa informs the young missing link. “Who knows? You may be eating the very last one!”
And with that cold open out of the way, we are thrust into the moist, quivering loins of Jack Chick’s most deranged thesis yet. A misshapen professor with a bow tie and a Hitler mustache is explaining to his class that dinosaurs ruled the world millions of years ago, but they were wiped out by a comet. And as proof, he offers up a drawing of a dinosaur shouting “Yipes!” as a comet barrels down on it.
So is that how the dinosaurs died? Hell, no! Chick isn’t having any of it. He explains that the whole dinosaur/comet theory is just a tale concocted by “people who don’t trust God.” He then offers up his own interpretation of events, which he arrogantly presents as God’s side of the story. “And God should know,” Chick insists. “After all, He was there.”
So here’s how the caper really went down. God made man and animals in the same week, which proves evolution is a lie. And among the animals he created were the dinosaurs. Chick tosses out a couple of random Bible verses to back up his claim, but I suspect he actually gleaned most of his information from watching a documentary entitled “The Flintstones.”
If you’ve ever been to Sunday School, you’re probably at least passingly familiar with the next part of the story. Although, to be fair, I don’t remember there being a lot of dinosaurs in it.
Adam and Eve get booted out of Eden for eating the forbidden fruit. Cain kills Abel. Mankind goes to hell in a bucket and starts sacrificing children to large, angry muppets. And God tells Noah to build his ark.
At this point, Chick informs us that God put “dragons and other animals in the ark.” And in a totally hilarious footnote, he tells us that the “dragons” were officially renamed “dinosaurs” in 1841. Probably by the Vatican.
So it turns out that the dragons/dinosaurs survived the Great Flood, and wandered free after the waters subsided. But, and here’s the kicker, the flood had destroyed trillions of plants. Without those plants, there wasn’t enough oxygen to support the dinosaurs, so “they got slower and easier to catch.”
The little monkey boy laments that he never got to see the Garden of Eden, or the world before the flood. “That’s the price of sin, my boy!” his grandfather tells him. Which kind of sucks because, as far as I know, the dinosaurs weren’t the ones doing all the sinning.
Anyway, Chick must have realized at this point that he didn’t have quite enough dinosaur material to fill an entire pamphlet, because he segues into a retelling of the life of Christ. First, he reminds us that God is going to eventually destroy the world with fire. Then he tells us how Jesus came to earth to die for our sins so we can “miss the coming wrath of God.”
We finally reach the end of a tract that was, in all likelihood, originally scrawled on Chick’s bedroom wall in his own feces. In a desperate attempt to tie the last half of the pamphlet back to the dinosaur topic, Chick concludes with “The real issue isn’t where the dinosaurs went… It’s where YOU will go when you die.”
Praise the Lord and pass the dino-burgers!