Chick Parody: Who Will Be Eaten First?

This parody was created by artist Howard Hallis, who took a Chick tract entitled The Choice and gave it a brilliant Lovecraftian twist. Hallis was threatened with legal action from Chick Publications in 2004 and took the offending material down. Fortunately, nothing is lost forever on Nobel Prize winner Al Gore’s internet. I found this copy on the Purple Monkey Mafia website (Eris bless ’em).

Chick Tract Review: The Devil’s Night

Jack Chick sez: In this children’s book, Li’l Susy tells her friend, Buffy, how Halloween got started, and how everyone must choose between Jesus and Satan.

After the misguided morality play of Happy Halloween and the ill-advised treacle of The Little Princess, Jack Chick once again leaps headfirst into the swirling abyss of Halloween insanity with The Devil’s Night. And since the protagonist of this piece is none other than Li’l Susy Barnes, you know we’re in for some vintage Chick madness.

Chick Tract Review: Apes, Lies, and Ms. Henn

Jack Chick sez: School children are taught that we don’t need God, because we are just animals who came from apes. But Susy tells her young friend that God made us, and sent his Son to give us eternal life. A children’s tract.

Evolution is a thorny subject for many Christians, one that has effectively divided the faith into two groups: those who believe science is a vast godless conspiracy designed to undermine the teachings of the Bible, and those who have actually read a book. Jack Chick definitely pledges his allegiance to the former and, in his tract Apes, Lies, and Ms. Henn, attempts to blow the lid off of the satanic liberal science agenda.

A Message to the Unwashed Masses

Welcome to the Bible Belt, oh mysterious traveler from afar. No doubt you find our ways puzzling, even troubling, to your liberal wife-swapping Ivy League hippie sensibilities. How you came to be here is something of a mystery. Perhaps you were on your way to Burning Man and your car broke down. Or maybe you were on your way to Mexico to buy drugs, and your car broke down. It’s entirely possible that you were simply headed west to indulge in the sodomy, prostitution, or polygamy of California, Nevada, or Utah, and your car broke down. But it doesn’t matter what transpired to strand a sinner like you amongst God’s chosen. He has delivered you unto us, and now we must make every effort to save your soul before He smites you for your wickedness or your car gets fixed.

Chick Tract Review: Li’l Susy

Jack Chick sez: Abandoned by her earthly father, Kathy [sic] learns about her heavenly Father, and His love that will never let her down. A great message for children.

Ah, Li’l Susy Barnes. Never was there a more appropriate mouthpiece for Jack Chick’s insanity than this cute little moppet.

There’s no doubt that when Chick first conceived of Li’l Susy, he envisioned her as an innocent child — guileless yet wise beyond her years — who had yet to be corrupted by the wicked liberal world. But it turns out that Chick’s militant messages of intolerance are even more jarring when being delivered by a smiling, rosy-cheeked little girl. So in a way, Li’l Susy is just like a Chick tract — adorable and childlike on the surface, but full of batshit crazy and hate on the inside.

Chick Trope: Hot Chick on Chick Action

Occasionally, you’ll be reading through a Chick tract, and you’ll stumble across one of the characters reading a Chick tract! Elaborate metafictional construct, or blatant product placement? YOU be the judge!

Chick Tract Review: The Little Princess

Jack Chick sez: Heidi is terribly sick. But when she gets saved on Halloween night, her whole family finds Christ too. An emotional story with a happy ending.

Every once in a while, Jack Chick gets a little meta and gives us a Chick tract that tells the story of somebody reading a Chick tract. Whoa. Is that lumpy, gray paint on your walls, or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND? It may seem a tad indulgent, but it’s that kind of self-promotion that helped Mr. Chick turn his funnybook ministry into a hate-spewing empire.

Chick Tract Review: Happy Halloween

Jack Chick sez: It was supposed to be a fun Halloween, visiting a “Haunted House” for a great scare. But when an accident claims a boy’s life, his friends learn there is a real hell waiting for all those who die without Jesus.

For his next Halloween tale, Jack Chick takes a break from the usual conspiracy of witches and druids. Instead, he offers up a parable to demonstrate that God, not good works, will get you into Heaven. Jack is obsessed with this particular trope, and is apparently convinced that Hell is full of good people, while Heaven is packed with dickweeds who skated through the Pearly Gates on a technicality.

I’m not sure what any of this has to do with Halloween. But, hey. Whatever.