Jack Chick sez: School children are taught that we don’t need God, because we are just animals who came from apes. But Susy tells her young friend that God made us, and sent his Son to give us eternal life. A children’s tract.
Evolution is a thorny subject for many Christians, one that has effectively divided the faith into two groups: those who believe science is a vast godless conspiracy designed to undermine the teachings of the Bible, and those who have actually read a book. Jack Chick definitely pledges his allegiance to the former and, in his tract Apes, Lies, and Ms. Henn, attempts to blow the lid off of the satanic liberal science agenda.
In this tract, we are introduced to the vile and despicable Ms. Henn. You can tell she’s a horrible person because 1) Chick subtly portrays her as a snarling hag, and 2) she goes by the liberal feminist honorific of “Ms.”
Ms. Henn is a new teacher, taking over the class of Mrs. Tucker, who just had twins. She immediately launches into her lesson, which seems to consist of showing pictures of spaceships and telling the kids how wonderful human beings are. But it turns out that this is just a clever way for her to unveil her true agenda… teaching EVOLUTION!!! Not because it’s science, and not because it’s a part of the established school curriculum, but because she’s evil! EEEEEEEVIL!
It’s interesting to note that Ms. Henn isn’t actually teaching anything related to science. Instead, she’s offering up the Chickified™ interpretation, one that is easily picked apart and disproved. A lot of fundamentalists like Jack Chick imagine there is some kind of struggle going on between scientists and Christians, where scientists keep trying to prove evolution but Christians keep poking holes in their precious theories. What they don’t seem to realize is that these theories were disproved by OTHER SCIENTISTS. And once a theory is invalidated, it is either discarded or amended to take the new data into account. In other words, it evolves. So the idea of stubborn scientists clinging to outdated theories in light of overwhelming Christian evidence is… well, it’s fucking hilarious.
For those of you who still believe evolution means men came from monkeys, let me first say thanks for taking the trouble to have somebody read this blog post to you. Evolution is a theory that postulates, among other things, that men and apes evolved from common ancestors. And while the vast majority of scientists accept the theory as the the most likely (and most elegant) explanation for the diversity of life on Earth, anyone hyperbolic enough to claim it had been “proven” would be laughed out of his or her white lab coat.
Anyway, Ms. Henn’s “science” lesson is interrupted by none other than Li’l Susy Barnes, the adorable little waif packed with enough religious paranoia to fuel several Ann Coulters. Li’l Susy claims that Ms. Henn is calling God a liar, and the incensed teacher drags her out into the hallway to read her the riot act. She takes Li’l Susy’s interjection personally, and basically threatens to ruin her life if she ever opens her mouth again. I know Jack Chick has never studied science, but it’s scenes like this that make me wonder if he ever actually went to school.
Ms. Henn continues with her satanic dinosaur lessons, while Li’l Susy prays silently to the Lord for guidance. And when class is over, her prayers are answered when she is approached by her classmate Timmy. Timmy asks what she meant when she said Ms. Henn was calling God a liar, and Susy explains that the earth was created in only 6 days, not over the course of millions of years. Because that’s a much more plausible theory. Susy goes on to explain the Book of Genesis to her pal Timmy, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Don Knotts.
Li’l Susy explains how Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church, then segues smoothly into the afterlife. Timmy optimistically hopes that everybody goes to heaven when they die, but Susy quickly disabuses him of that retarded notion. Most people, she insists, will end up in hell.
At this point, you’re probably saying, “Hey, wait a minute! What does that have to do with evolution?” Well, shut up, dumbass. I’m getting to it.
You see, it turns out that evolution is a lie created by the devil to keep people out of heaven. Because if people believe that they came from apes, they won’t pay attention to God. And… um… well, I guess it makes about as much sense as Satan’s lame Halloween scheme.
Timmy is understandably terrified by the notion that science will send him to hell, but Li’l Susy explains how Jesus did something very special “to make sure the ol’ devil doesn’t get you when you die.” And if you’ve been paying attention, I’m sure you know where this is going…
Timmy is swayed by Li’l Susy’s proselytizing, and asks Jesus to come into his heart and save him from evolution. So it’s a happy ending, at least for now. Timmy may end up regretting his decision when he dies and finds himself sharing the afterlife with a bunch of murderers and drug dealers.
No doubt Jack Chick imagined school children all over the nation would be provoked by his fiery rhetoric and would rise up in rebellion against the dark sarcasm in the classroom. So to nip these youthful riots in the bud, he provided an odd coda to Li’l Susy’s war on science. Susy reminds Timmy (and us) that even though Ms. Henn is wrong, she is to be respected because she is a teacher.
But believing in evolution will still send you to hell, so don’t get too comfortable, you Scienazis!