A Message to the Unwashed Masses

Welcome to the Bible Belt, oh mysterious traveler from afar. No doubt you find our ways puzzling, even troubling, to your liberal wife-swapping Ivy League hippie sensibilities. How you came to be here is something of a mystery. Perhaps you were on your way to Burning Man and your car broke down. Or maybe you were on your way to Mexico to buy drugs, and your car broke down. It’s entirely possible that you were simply headed west to indulge in the sodomy, prostitution, or polygamy of California, Nevada, or Utah, and your car broke down. But it doesn’t matter what transpired to strand a sinner like you amongst God’s chosen. He has delivered you unto us, and now we must make every effort to save your soul before He smites you for your wickedness or your car gets fixed.

I’m sure you have many questions, but perhaps you are reluctant to ask them because you are afraid we will be offended by your heretical ways and drag you to death behind our pickup trucks. That is why, as a service for all visiting sinners, we have provided the following list of Frequently Asked Questions. Understand that this meager resource can hardly take the place of an education gained from reading the Bible, the Left Behind series, and all of Jack Chick’s tracts, but it is as good a place as any to start you down the path of righteousness.

The Bible Belt. Putting the “fun” back into “fundamentalist.”

What *is* the Bible Belt?
The Bible Belt is a series of states that have joined together to fight against the secular humanists, Jews, gays, Papists, liberals, and Satanists who seek to persecute us for our belief. The Bible Belt is a haven of religious liberty, where people can feel free to worship as they wish, no matter if they are Southern Baptist, Evangelical, Neo-evangelical, or Pentecostal.

What do you people believe, exactly?
We believe that an invisible man (“God”) in the sky (“Heaven”) is waging war over your immortal soul against an evil red man with horns (“Satan”) who lives in the center of the Earth (“Hell”). As part of an elaborate plot to keep you out of Hell, the invisible man let the Jews kill his son (“Jesus”), who came back from the dead on Easter, which is why we hide eggs. Anyone who refuses to accept this blindly and without question is doomed to an eternity of burning and torment. This also applies to anyone who was born in a country that doesn’t worship the Baby Jesus, or those who worship a different Baby Jesus than we do.

Many people are resistant to these teachings at first, but most of them gradually come around to our way of thinking once we’ve held their head underwater for four minutes. Our beliefs are succinctly summed up by the Bible verse John 3:16:

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life, unless they’re gay.”
(New Red State Edition – an authentic translation of the Bible in its original English)

How do you guys feel about sex before marriage?
Sex before marriage is a sin. Sex after marriage is frowned upon as well. In fact, sex of any shape or form is filthy and should be discouraged. Unfortunately, rising above our carnal desires has had the unintended effect of diminishing our numbers. That’s why we’re so evangelical; since we don’t reproduce, we’re forced to recruit others to our cause just to keep our rosters active. Sort of like gay people.

You guys really seem to have it in for the gays. Why is that?
Ever since homosexuality was invented in the 1960s, the gays have posed a constant threat to the very moral fiber of this great nation. They’ve often aligned themselves with radical extremists like the ACLU in an effort to force their gay agenda on the rest of us. And now, our nation is faced with the issue of gay marriage, a hot-button topic that everyone really starts caring about right before elections. The fact is, if gay marriage is legalized, then its only a matter of time before bands of marauding homosexuals come marching down from the hills, divorcing good Christian folk at gunpoint, and forcing them into same-sex marriages. Besides, everyone knows that gay people don’t really love each other. The only reason they want to get married is to make the Baby Jesus cry.

What is Intelligent Design?
The liberal, godless Scienazis would have you believe that man came from monkeys, and they’re always bandying around their high-faluting “data” and their fancy-pants “scientific method” like they think that kind of talk will impress anybody. If their theory is so great, then why do they keep changing it every time they discover something new? That’s not science; that’s just flip-flopping.

To counter their outlandish monkey stories, we’ve come up with our own theories based on science. We postulate that God created everything in six days, made man out of dirt, and buried dinosaur bones to mess with the secular humanists. And unlike those wimpy evolutionists, our theories are in no way based on “data,” so there’s no danger of them changing.

Besides, it’s a matter of simple logic. God made man out of dirt, which is why man must constantly bathe. Have you ever seen a monkey bathe? Case closed.

Do you guys really believe that the Bible is the literal and unerring word of God?
Yes, because it says so, right there in the Bible!

What does it mean to speak in tongues?
It is a blessing that only occurs to those who manage to successfully rid their brains of all extraneous distractions, like thoughts and ideas. When this happens, the Holy Spirit fills that person up and demonstrates God’s majesty by making that person flail around and talk in an incomprehensible moon-man language.

But we understand that not everybody can be chosen to be a babbling, nonsensical instrument of our Lord. If you’re ever attending a service and start to feel left out because of your glossolalia impairment, feel free to join in by repeating the following phrases in a quick, high-pitched voice:

She came in a Honda.
Untie my bow tie.

If you have trouble remembering these, you can also achieve the same result by spelling the name Eddie over and over again. (“E-D-D-I-E-E-D-D-I-EEEEEEEEEE!”)

Do you guys have any enemies?
Of course we do! Apart from the usual gays, secularists, Muslims, Mormons, Papists, stem cells, French, intellectuals, and people who play Dungeons and Dragons, we have to keep a constant vigil against the Jews, who have infiltrated our entertainment industry and now control it along with the international banking cartels, which are the root of modern day communism. We’re also constantly dealing with Madelyn Murray O’Hair, who keeps rising from the grave to get TV shows canceled because they say “God” on the air, or the tireless crusades of liberals, who often kidnap orphans and grind them up to fuel their Bible burning machines.

But our greatest enemy is Satan and his nefarious demons, who are responsible for every ailment, affliction, and deviant behavior. Demons cause everything bad, from gout to gayness. Fortunately, these ailments are treatable, once the demons are cast out. A word of warning: Some people think that casting out demons requires an official “exorcist,” but this is merely a fallacy perpetuated by the Papists. The fact is, demons can be cast out by *any* evangelist with a radio or TV show.

Is it possible to be Christian *and* be intelligent?
Some people think so, but they practice a brand of inclusive, tolerant Christianity that flies in the face of everything Christ stood for. We fundamentalists tend to eschew that hippie liberal stuff and stick to the basics. After all, what’s the fun of going to Heaven if just anybody can get in?

At what age can someone become a Christian?
The Papists believe that sprinkling infants will make them Christians, but we heartily disagree. The disposition of your immortal soul is perhaps one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make, so you should be at least five or six years old so you can consider the matter diligently.

Our Lord is fond of children. And while we no longer sacrifice them to Him like we used to, we still like to celebrate His love with this beautiful song that children sing in Sunday School:

Jesus loves the little Baptists
All the Baptists of the world.
White and white and white and white,
They are precious in his sight.
Jesus loves the Baptists of the world.

We hope you have found this FAQ to be helpful and informative. The internets were originally created by Al Gore back in the 1970s so he and his godless accomplices could send pornography and facts about Chuck Norris back and forth to each other. However, it was our fervent hope to silk purse that sow’s ear by using their wicked bandwidth to spread the message of God’s love and mercy to those who are, no offense, probably as close to Heaven as you’re ever going to get.

But if you’ve been moved by what you’ve read, then you probably feel a pounding in your chest right now. That’s Jesus, knocking on your heart. Open it up, let him in, and experience the sheer joy that comes from knowing that you have escaped the eternal torment of Hell. Unless you’re gay.

Published in: on July 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I just have a question. Can someone tell me what “Unwashed” actually means?

  2. Julie, From the lack of any response to your question, I surmise that people who read this blog have neither the time nor inclination to give you a useful answer. This is my first time here, having retired and also having nothing better to do than surf the web in the middle of the night. Since this blog is primarily sarcasm (from an unnamed blogger who must have nothing better to do than belittle others) aimed at the religious booklets written by someone named Jack Chick (and I guess sarcasm at Christian beliefs in general), I am also surprised that sarcastic answers have not been hurled your way.
    I will assume your question is sincere, try to give you my take on your question, though not very succinctly. “Unwashed Masses” probably is a sarcastic jab at the readers of this blog “who could be considered to be somehow uneducated, or in some other way unqualified” for inclusion in the blogger’s elite circles. In other words, this blogger is about to give you the real truth that you are too ignorant to understand. Wink, Wink.
    However, in it’s basic form, I think “unwashed” in a religious context generally means “not clean” or “not righteous”. Have you ever heard of the phrase “to wash ones hands of the matter”? In other words, to want to separate yourself from some activity that you no longer want to be a part of. This phrase probably is best illustrated in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 27, by Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor of Judaea, who was being pressed by the crowd to crucify Jesus. Pilates wife (why is it always the women who see through the trickery of political shenigans) told him to have nothing to do with condemning Jesus to death for trumped up charges. So Pilate took a basin of water and symbolically washed his hands in front of the crowd, basically saying “I am innocent of this man’s blood, his death is your responsibility!”. So it could be said that Pilate washed his hands of the matter, i.e. he separated himself from what was about to happen, he was in disagreement with the proceedings and renounced his personal responsibility. (Go read it for yourself)
    Kind of ironic that this blogger used the “unwashed” idea, when the idiom can be traced back to this Biblical passage regarding Jesus’s impending crucifixion. It makes me want to laugh.
    So I guess to sum it up, to be washed means to want to be clean/truthful/righteous/clued in. To be unwashed means to not be clean or not clued into what is going on. So the blogger is really saying to you and me – Hey you clueless mass of humanity, let ME clue you in to what is wrong with Christianity.
    In a similar approach, to be washed of your sins, means that you pray to Jesus to forgive you of all the wrongs that you have done and repent (do an about face, a 180 degree turn, from this time forward to want to separate yourself from your sinful past lifestyle, to follow the teachings of Jesus). Therefore to be unwashed is the opposite, to be content with the immoral lifestyle and path you are heading down.
    I am not sure why this blogger has such a chip on his shoulder about Jack Chick (whoever he is), but it is obviously enough for him to keep this tirade up month after month and generate lots of sarcastic bytes in cyberspace.
    Christianity is pretty simple. Hundreds of prophecies in the Old Testament (generally the first half of your everyday Bible) predict his birth, life, and style of death (see Isaiah chapter 55) long before crucifixion was ever conceived. Jesus is miraculously born, and claims to be God in the flesh. To prove it, he selects 12 average folk to assist him, he teaches how God wants us to live, performs dozens of over-the-top miracles, brings dead people back to life, even lets himself be killed and brings himself back to life. What more can he do to prove he is God? All the other religious leaders of history have graves, except Jesus. It that doesn’t set him apart, then what would? Eleven of his followers go on to spread Jesus’s message – to the point that all of them were killed for their faith rather than renounce his message or what they had witnessed. That’s the second half of your average Bible, called the New Testament. And the average person can read it themselves and make their own decision about the claims of Jesus. Is He worth your allegiance or not?

  3. Julie: The “unwashed” are those who have not been “washed in the blood of the Lamb,” which is a horrifying and somewhat disgusting metaphor for salvation.

    Rick: Before you rush to Mr. Chick’s defense, you might actually want to consider reading some of his tracts. You might be surprised to learn that not everyone calling himself a Christian is as blameless and holy as you are.

  4. …This is a Parody website, right?

    • “Without a blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of extremism or fundamentalism that someone won’t mistake for the real thing.” -Poe’s Law

  5. That post made for a good laugh! (And your blog in general is really funny, despite some, as I’d say it, misunderstandings about Christianity.) I’m a Catholic from Germany (so, not actually a Christian in the eyes of Jack Chick and a lot of Southern Baptists and Evangelicals, I guess), and I guess I have some kind of fascination with some of these weird sorts of American Christianity that produce things like Chick Tracts, Creation Museums, and stuff – it’s sort of a guilty pleasure to laugh about it, and it’s nice to see some good parodies of it… Although, then again, it’s also sad that there are people who are actually presenting our Lord that way. – Crescentia

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