Chick Tract Review: Boo!

Jack Chick sez: This takeoff on horror films reveals the truth about Halloween.

Next up in Jack Chick’s Parade of Halloween Insanity is Boo! And I’ll say this for Mr. Chick… once he decides he’s going to lead someone to the Lord, he’s not afraid to use stacks of dead teenagers to do it.

Like the much touted “War on Christmas,” Jack Chick believes that the true meaning of Halloween has been lost amidst all the secular hijinks and commercialism. You see, when kids put on those Batman costumes and wander from house to house asking for candy, they are actually reenacting an ancient ritual where druids used to put on Batman costumes and wander from house to house asking for children and virgins.

Chick Tract Review: The Trick

Jack Chick sez: Shows Halloween’s origin and real purpose.

Jack Chick hates a lot of things. But for some reason, the topic of Halloween really seems to get up his ass with cleats on. Our man Jack has devoted several of his Chick tracts to exposing Halloween as a vast Satanic conspiracy concocted by druids and pagans to sacrifice small children and boost the sales of tiny Snickers bars.

XXX Jack Chick After Dark XXX

Chick Trope: Pitching for the Angels…

By far, this is one of Jack Chick’s favorite motifs, as it shows up in slightly more than 100% of his tracts. After a person is deemed unworthy of Heaven, he or she is then personally carted by an angel to the pits of Hell and tossed in. You’d think God would eventually streamline the process by installing a trap door in front of His throne, maybe with a fun, twisty slide down to the lake of fire. That way, the angels could spend more time in Heaven, breaking up fights between rapists and serial killers.

Chick Trope: The Five Douchebags You Meet in Heaven

One of the basic tenets of Christianity is that you don’t get into Heaven for good works, but through the grace of God. Our boy Jack Chick has taken that premise and run with it, giving us story after story of good people getting tossed into Hell while vile, despicable villains squeeze through the Pearly Gates on a technicality. To hear Chick tell it, Hell is full of preachers, missionaries, and other decent folk while Heaven is stuffed to the gills with rapists, murderers, and drug dealers. Sort of makes you want to rethink your final destination, doesn’t it?

Chick Tract Review: Dark Dungeons

Jack Chick sez: Debbie thought playing Dungeons and Dragons was fun… until it destroyed her friend.

Once upon a time, teenagers were well-behaved models of decorum and restraint, content to spend their weekends tending to the lawn, bathing the elderly, and roasting weenies on the beach. But for some reason, in the 1950s, these idyllic American family values were kicked squarely in the nuts. Teenagers began acting crazy! Oh, at first it was just the occasional leather jacket or insolent cry of “Aaaaaay.” But before too long, those damn kids were smoking, drinking, dancing, and groping each other in parking lots. Then drugs were invented in the 1960s, and things just got worse!

Chick Trope: The Lincoln-Dumbass Debate

In Jack Chick’s world, the righteous are constantly having their beliefs challenged by liberals, gays, hippies, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Mormons, witches, and college professors. You know… the BAD guys. Fortunately, these agents of evil never present any intelligent or compelling arguments to support their viewpoint. Instead, they lob up straw man arguments that are easily batted down by the God-fearing protagonists.

It’s not realistic, but you have to admit that its a comforting world view for the kind of people who base their faith on what they read in comic books.

Who’s That Chick?

Jack T. Chick has spent the last 40 years putting the “mental” back into “fundamental” by railing against Satanists, gays, evolution, hippies, liberals, Dungeons & Dragons, Catholics, Muslims, Mormons, and any form of Christianity that differs from his own extremely narrow belief system. In fact, the basic tenet of Chick’s faith seems to be that God is a capricious asshole who is just *itching* for an excuse to cast your sinning ass into Hell.