Chick Tract Review: Birds and the Bees

Jack Chick sez: At a very young age, schoolchildren are being told that homosexuality is okay. Here is God’s view, carefully written for young readers.

I honestly don’t believe that *all* Christians are homophobes, or vice versa. I’m just saying that there’s a lot of overlap in that particular Venn diagram. Christianity and homophobia simply go well together, like beer and pizza. Or Glenn Beck fans and flammable lawn crosses.

In order to escape the stigma of being a hate group, a lot of churches have adopted a more progressive attitude. They still rail against the evils of same-sexuality, but they view those poor sinners ensnared in its faaaabulous clutches as hapless souls in need of deliverance. Sort of a “hate the homosexuality, but love the homo” policy.

Other churches remain stalwart in their war on gayness. They see homosexuals as wicked minions of a demonic and liberal agenda who are actively working to undermine the moral integrity of this nation and drag us down into a cesspool of sodomy and drug use, where our children will be forced to turn tricks behind dumpsters for their next fix of heroin.

Not surprisingly, Jack Chick has landed firmly in the camp of GAY = EEEEEVIL!!! And once again, he has chosen to vent his spleen through America’s favorite prepubescent hate crime, Li’l Susy Barnes. Yes, that’s right. Having successfully put divorced parents, Halloween, and science in their places, Li’l Susy now finds herself facing off against the Machiavellian plots of… the Gays™!

(Before we delve into Mr. Chick’s crazed manifesto, I’d like to point out that he describes this work as “God’s view, carefully written for young readers.” Glad to see Jack is working to protect children from the gratuitous profanity and dick jokes that are strewn all through Leviticus.)

Okay, so we open with Ms. Henn introducing a couple of visitors named Larry and Charles to her multi-cultural class. These “wonderful men” are dentists, and are highly respected in… HOLY FUCK, WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS CRAWLING ON THEM?

Well, it turns out that Larry and Charles are suffering from a bad case of the gays, so those little horned roach raccoon beasts are obviously the demons of homosexuality. As Ms. Henn gushes on and on about Larry and Charles’ loving relationship, the smitten (and hideously misshapen) couple announce, while macking in front of the class, that they’re adopting a baby next month! No doubt Mr. Chick’s faithful readers have just spit the pork rinds and malt liquor out of their mouth in sheer disbelief!

Chick also includes a caption explaining that “God expects a man to marry a woman and have children. Any other way is forbidden by God.” I guess they weren’t strictly enforcing these rules when Jesus was born…

A young boy named Frankie with soulful eyes and a military haircut raises his hand asks if the two men are “Queers™.” Ms. Henn is outraged by the slur, as would be just about anybody who isn’t too busy using Jesus as an excuse to be a bigoted asshole. She makes the rather reasonable demand that Frankie apologize to “those nice gentlemen.” However, in typical Jack Chick fashion, she does it with her hand trembling and her face contorted in rage, with drops of hate juice squirting out of her head.

Frankie’s hate is apparently so strong that Larry’s face begins to melt. Larry points out that “lots of great and famous people are gay. But some people are evil and intolerant.” And because Chick realizes that anybody who gets their spiritual guidance from a comic book probably won’t be joining MENSA anytime soon, he helpfully defines “intolerant” as “Those who refuse to support Gays™.” Larry then starts talking about the gay agenda, and how they’re working diligently to get those unsympathetic to them thrown into prison. Unfortunately, before he can go into any details on the homospiracy, they run out of time.

In case you’re wondering, this is how the Gays™ are changing the way little school kids think. By… um… bringing up sound and sensible points that Chick chooses to ignore rather than refute. Many people would be deterred by the fact that they can’t even win an argument against their own straw men (see Straw Man Has a Point on TV Tropes), but Chick soldiers on bravely in the face of his own inefficacy.

When school lets out, Li’l Susy’s disciples gather around her to get her take on Larry and Charles. One of her friends makes the mistake of expressing an opinion, and Li’l Susy quickly disabuses her of the notion that God has anything but contempt and hatred for Gays™, Queers™, and other assorted homosinuals.

Li’l Susy starts yammering on about how they used to read the Bible in school, but now you’re not allowed to have a Bible or even talk about Jesus. Which isn’t true, but hey. Why let the facts get in the way of a perfectly good psychotic rant? Anyway, because schools no longer force children to pray to the Baby Jesus every day, kids now grow up without ever learning anything about God, the devil, or sin. Because apparently those topics don’t come up in church very often.

And before you know it, Li’l Susy’s going on about the lake of fire, and eternal damnation. Either Chick thinks the Gays™ are responsible for the separation of church and state, or he’s forgotten his original premise and wandered off on yet another tangent. Since the man is roughly 154 years old and obviously batshit crazy, I’d say either possibility is likely.

To illustrate the majesty of God’s Great Plan of Salvation®, Li’l Susy asks if any of her friends have ever told a lie. They cop to it far easier than you’d think a bunch of seasoned liars would, and Susy tells them, “God says no liar will go to heaven.” She then explains how God came up with the Book of Life as a sort of loophole, so liars can get into heaven after all. And maybe I’m missing the finer point of this theology, but wouldn’t that make God a liar?

Anyway, we find ourselves back on familiar ground as Susy launches into the story about how God sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins, so our names could be written in the Book of Life. It’s the same speech Li’l Susy gives every time she finds herself proselytizing to her friends, and they all react as if they’ve never heard such a thing in their entire lives! Which leads me to assume that either all of Li’l Susy’s friends are suffering from anterograde amnesia and thus can’t remember they’ve had this exact same conversation dozens of times before, or (more likely) Li’l Susy is forced constantly to make new friends since her old ones quickly tire of her strident and intolerant ways.

Once Susy saves her three friends, she gets back on the task of gaybashing in God’s name. She launches into the very kid-friendly tale of Sodom, and how all the Sodomites were wicked and demon-possessed, except for Lot. God sent some angels to warn Lot that Sodom was going to be destroyed, and the Sodomites showed up and tried to rape the angels. Still with us, children?

Anyway, the angels blinded the mob and led Lot and his family out of Sodom, and God reduced the city to ash. Unfortunately, God failed to completely eradicate their sinful culture, and the Sodomites later resurfaced… as the GAYS™!

Wow, indeed!

Li’l Susy explains that Ms. Henn had to bring gay men into the classroom “because of the new laws.” But before anyone can mention the fact that this makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever, Susy quickly shifts gears and starts talking about how Satan wants to use homosexuality to destroy kids, and how you should stay away from anyone who “tries to make you Gay™.” I’m not sure what exactly that process entails, but I’m guessing it involves drinking appletinis while listening to Lady Gaga.

As Susy waxes jingoistic about Jesus’ inevitable return to “smash the devil… and all those who are against Him,” we see an angel checking out the newspaper to see if anybody responded to his personal ad. Or maybe he’s looking for another job. That’s what I would do if I worked for Jack Chick’s God. He’s kind of an asshole.

Li’l Susy commends her friends on making the right choice, and assures them that when Jesus comes back, they’ll be on the winning side. Of what, she doesn’t say. Is there going to be a big showdown between Jesus and the Gays™? Is Li’l Susy trying to warn us of the impending Gaypocalypse?

Sadly, we never find out. As usual, Jack Chick’s bombastic tale ends with a pillow-biting whimper and instructions on how to get into heaven. Unless, of course, you’re a Gay™.

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Published in: on July 21, 2010 at 5:21 pm  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Thanks for the heads up, I had no idea how close I was to turning gay! From now on I will only be drinking beer when listening to Lady Gaga!

  2. I’ve probably lied sometime int he past few hours, and if I didn’t, then I have now. No big deal since we are all guilty from birth. I guess the purpose of this tract might be simply to show me that I need forgiveness just as much as anyone else.

  3. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees how much of a jerk God is.

  4. Ezekiel 16:49-50: “Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had arrogance, abundant food, and careless ease, but she did not help the poor and needy. Thus they were haughty and committed abominations before Me. Therefore I removed them when I saw it.”
    Who the HELL does this kid think she is comparing me to them?! I’m hospitable, I don’t try to rape people, especially not angels!

    And I’m not trying to turn anyone gay, I just want them to accept who I am.

    • One day people will be ready to accept things like homosexuality, lesbians, etc. Keep your head up and don’t let anyone accuse you of anything like rape or say your going to hell for who you are.

  5. This jack chick is a pig! Whoever this person is, is the epitome of evil. He/ she uses religion as an excuse to be horrible and after reading BIRDS AND BEES I felt like crying for jack and the object of jacks hate. If god exists AND THAT is what he is about then we have two satans. This is why I’m an atheist. That jack chick is the most hateful person on earth and a disgrace to god if there is one. But bottom line people like this make me throw up. I found myself so full of anger it was scary. JACK CHICK YOU AMAZE ME! And I don’t know what you went through as a child to make you the monster u are and I don’t care. you are too immature for religion if this is your message. and to be honest after all that I’ve written I can only say that I don’t hate you anymore but I feel so sorry for you. In the end u are ignorant and will turn manly people away from god. I hope there is such thing as forgiveness because you need it.

  6. Paragraph 5: “Not surprisingly, Jack Chick has landed firmly in the *camp*…”

    Snicker, snicker, snicker. 😉

  7. These tracts merely put into cartoon form the Biblical doctrine that God, the Creator, has created human beings as make and female and, as our Creator, has the absolute right to set the standards for our free-will behavior, and He has decreed that homosexuality is wrong. The Bible states that this is a very,serious sin and precludes practitioners from the Kingdom of God in Heaven.
    Since I have free will to control my behavior, I choose to obey God and go to Heaven. Others may choose otherwise, but we all will suffer the consequences for our choices.


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